So I'm having this ‘thought/small revelation’ right now. It kinda reminds me of a previous post by Marcella about sackcloth and ashes... so I realized today how dumb I am. I do horrible things continually. Take tonight for instance. I just had a really great Bible study with some younger girls from my church and then practically right afterward (we hadn't even left the room) my cousin, who was also there, and I started arguing about something pointless that wasn't even worth the effort and in fact was just a big misunderstanding (which we worked out after we chilled, by the way). At least that one had a redeeming quality. I've done worse things recently that haven't had redeeming qualities so much... like call someone OCD (rudely) when I could have figured on them being embarrassed and upset because of who we were around. Or... get upset and defensive when a friend stomps on my art piece that I had even said wasn't that great. : ) There are more where this came from, and I wish I had time to list them all because I think I need to dwell on them a little more than I often do. But for now... on to the point.
I'm not saying any of this stuff so people can come back with well-intended comments that tell me that it's OK that I mess up, or that I'm not really a horrible person. I'm also not just pointing out that I mess up and feel bad and beat myself up mentally. I'm posting this because I was amazed again tonight how God really doesn't need me. He's perfect without my help (surprising since I generally think few beings are. Gah!). In fact, sometimes I think he works better 'on the fly' with my mistakes because when I mess up it’s the only time he seems to get through with the message... 'Laura, you're not self-sufficient or even just sufficient most of the time!' All I do is mess it up. He's the one doing things correctly. Nice.
I think all I need now is to have this kind of experience at least once a week so maybe I'll finally get what Paul was saying... I like it when stuff really sinks in like this and you get it even if it's just for a second. Say it with me now... 'It's not about myself.' Aaaaahhh. Didn’t that feel nice? I'd also like to say ignore Humanism… and… this is our 51st post. Lovely job, Gang.
Thursday, July 06, 2006
a post entitled... how dumb am i. (a statement, not a question so don't try just looking at the title and telling me how dumb I really am because that
would be mean). That's the end of the title that wouldn't fit in the title section... and I'm mostly joking.
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3 comments:
I really like the title, Laura...
Okay, but seriously, I think I get what you're saying. We live in a time when being self-sufficient is one of the most important things. Parents are taught that the best thing they can do for their kids is get them out of the house, and kids are given the same message from their peers. Not to say that we should be completely dependent on other people and do nothing for ourselves, but I think that the loss of community that results is tragic in a lot of ways, not the least of which is our impairment in viewing our relationship with God as that of dependency. We are taught, wrongly, that dependency is bad, and we naturally extend this to God too. So even though it sucks when we mess up, it is really nice to have those moments where we realize that actually, we do really need God. I don't think that anything profound is coming out of this comment, but I guess my point is that we need to take every failure and mistake as an opportunity to receive God's grace. (Not that we should try to screw up...)
And I guess this is something that I, as a perfectionist, need to remind myself of a lot.
Great post, kid. Keep up the good work.
And by the way, I think you are a wonderful, flawed person and a great friend.
Marcella has informed me that I ought to blog because our dear posters' feelings of acceptance might otherwise be in jeopardy. I'm not really sure what to say, though. I generally like to NOT think about any of these so called 'little' things. And indeed, the problem I have struggled with since well, the beginning, is being unwilling to admit that it is not about me. I am afraid to simply give my life to God, because what if he doesn't do what I want? Do I really want to live every moment trying to advance the kingdom of God and not doing whatever makes me happy? Not saying doing bad stuff, but just, not really thinking, you know. Somebody said the other day that morality+attendance does not equal a Christian. Ouch! I'm not even sure how to expect or experience a close relationship with God even though that is the most amazing and greatest things of the millions He has done for me. So, what is my point? I'll let the next blogger decide.
Trust is hard. Agreed.
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