My very first post, and I decide to be negative. Go figure.
Let's just say that I had an annoying personal experience lately with someone who is mired in the past. Is there any reason to dwell on past negative experiences? Being filled with self-pity, while granted at times is basically unavoidable, should not be a basis for general every day life. Are some people just not taught how to healthily deal with rejection?
I do not see any reason to complain about something unless I have a serious desire to change it. Sure, sometimes it's a great release of stress to just run off at the mouth about pesky situations. But if it is really a bother, get up and do something about it. Change! It's not the monstrosity some people make it out to be.
Does anyone have insight on how I can learn to have patience with a person wallowing in self-pity? Or is there something that should be done on my part to help others when they are stuck and refusing to move on? Maybe I'm being too harsh, and please forgive me if I am, but I'm fed up with people who shirk the responsibilities that naturally come with living life among other human beings, like dealing with emotions and moving on.
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5 comments:
I can understand the frustration. Dealing with other people has never been my strong suit, but time is a great teacher. Having patience is not something you develop overnight. Years from now you might look back and realize how impatient you have been, but at no particular point will there be a magic moment where God comes down and says, "Here Kayla, I'm going to give you some patience." Nice as that would be, it just doesn't happen. Patience is a daily choice.
Now, while I understand the frustration of dealing with a person who is unreasonably dwelling in the past, there is always the possibility you haven't quite looked at it from the other person's perspective. If that is the case, and that person has genuinely suffered a loss, then it is simply your lack of compassion that is the problem. Everything depends on perspective though. If you can't see it from the other person's perspective, or see how what they are going through is a big deal to them, then it is not that other person's problem but your own.
If only I didn't know exactly what (and who) you're talking about. Honestly, it is really frustrating when people aren't willing to change, which I think is the problem in this particular situation. Mistakes were made on both sides and you both should accept responsibility and move on, trying not to make those same mistakes in the future. But some people (who will remain nameless) don't seem to even want to try to do this.
For the sake of argument, though (and btw, I don't think this is an excuse of any kind in this case), let me say that self-destructive habits/thoughts are some of the hardest to break. You hate how whatever you're doing/thinking makes you feel and you know that you need to stop, but it's reflexive. You do it because that's what you're used to and it's a lot easier than changing. It doesn't make it right. It's just easier. But it's also understandable that fighting a reflex isn't going to be something you can just automatically do. It takes work and commitment and a realization that occasional failure doesn't mean that you should give up entirely. And if you feel bad about yourself already, this is especially hard. So there's my thought. Not so much a defense of the person, but a statement that might help you see the other side.
Kayla! I know what you mean about being fed up with people wallowing where they're at! There's nothing that's being accomplished if you're just feeling sorry for yourself. I also agree with Sarah that self-destructive behavior is hard to get around. Once you start feeling bad about something (especially something to do with your heart), it's hard to get back to a point where you're moving on and being productive. Things with the heart hurt so much that for some time all you can think about is how much it hurts. So with that in mind... I think patience from other people, like you said, is what is needed for situations like that. People are at different spots, and we need to bear with them.
I just read a book called 'Life Together' by Dietrich Bonhoeffer. Bonhoeffer talks about community as the title implies. One thing he brought up was bearing with one another with God's love. The way I see it, there's no easy way (like our anonymous commenter said). In fact, I would venture to say there's nothing you can do about it. Patience is part of God's love. That love doesn't come from us. The only way to truly love and bear with another child of God (especially when the person gets on your nerves!), or anyone for that matter, is to let God love them through you. The only action, I think, that we can take is to step out of the way and make room for the one who can love and does love in every situation.
As I read back through that it seems a little bit like religious platitudes... I think, though, that it's true. That's the power of Christian love. It’s not us.
I was thinking about what to post, and a thought of a past experience just popped into my mind. It is nowhere near the intensity of this situation, but I will describe it in hopes that you will find the similarity useful. Several years ago, a friend and I 'liked each other' and didn't officially go out, but were around each other a lot at church and such. We continue to be friends, but I digress. After several months I stopped liking him in that way, and whether it was my lackage of feelings or he really was doing this...I felt followed and cramped. He was ALWAYS there, and following my every move. Like I said, it may have been like that before and I just hadn't minded, or maybe it was him being clingy, but in any case, I grew bitter...or maybe not bitter, but mentally antagonistic. I allowed myself to be excessively annoyed by his prescence, and was really rather cruel in my inside thoughts and opinions whether or not he picked up on them in person or not. I found reasons and justifications for being continually aggravated. After a few more months I realized what I had allowed to creep into my mind, and it wasn't good. I tell you this to caution you not to let aggravation breed inside of you like I did. I don't know if you and this person will ever have any type of a functioning relationship (non romantic i mean), but for the preservation of that possibility and your own mental health and purity, I would look to see if this frustration is in any way resembling a weed in you. If so, see if there is some way to pull it up, becuause, as I know, it's infiltration and infestation is not pretty.
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